|
|
February 12, 2006
|
Sunday
|
Muharram 13, 1427
|
The day I died
By Ardeshir Cowasjee
SAMUEL Langhorne Clemens was born in Florida in November 1835 — he came
in with the appearance of Hailey’s comet (every 75-76 years) and went
out in Elmira, New York, in April 1910 with its next appearance.
His first profession in life was as a river pilot on the Missouri, from
where he moved on to journalism, first as a cub reporter with his elder
brother’s newspaper in Virginia City, and then on to San Francisco as a
short story writer for the ‘Saturday Press.’
Clemens maintained that his primary pen name, Mark Twain, came from his
years on the riverboat, where two fathoms or ‘safe water’ was measured
on the sounding line, and called by the sounder ‘mark twain.’ The
Ratnagiris and Konkanis who sailed around our coast would have called
out ‘Bey waam,’ and our men would have had it as ‘Doe waam.’
Clemens’ friends have the ‘Mark Twain’ origin differently. During his
wild days in the West, he would buy two drinks and tell the bartender to
‘mark twain’ on the tab. Regardless of which version we accept, Clemens
first used his pen name in 1863 on an article for the ‘Nevada
Territorial Enterprise.’
Once, much later in life when he was a successful and popular author and
had many books to his name, while travelling on a lecture tour in
Europe in May 1897 he was told that his obituary had been published in
the New York Journal. He sent off a note to AP: “James Ross Clemens, a
cousin of mine, was seriously ill two or three weeks ago in London, but
is well now. The report of my illness grew out of his illness, the
report of my death was an exaggeration.”
He later sent off another note to his good friend Frank Bliss : “It has
been reported that I was seriously ill — it was another man; dying — it
was another man; dead — the other man again. As far as I can see,
nothing remains to be reported, except that I have become a foreigner.
When you hear it, don’t you believe it. And don’t take the trouble to
deny it. Merely just raise the American flag on our house in Hartford
and let it talk”.
Mistaken announcements of death are not as rare as one might expect. The
latest example is of Dave Swarbrick, the British folk-rock violinist,
who was killed off mistakenly by the ‘Daily Telegraph’ in April 1999
when they reported that his visit to hospital in Coventry had resulted
in his death. He did at least get the opportunity to read a rather
favourable account of his life, not something we all get to do, and to
deliver the gag, “It’s not the first time I have died in Coventry.”.
Which brings me to the Metropolitan section of this newspaper on
February 2 2006 when, on page 2, amongst the obituaries (second in line
of a string of seven) was one which read : “Ardeshir S Cowasji expired
on 1st February 2006. Funeral at 11.00 a.m. on 2nd February at 45-H
Cyrus Colony, Parsi Gate, Mehmoodabad .........”
Now, my full name and style is Ardeshir Rustom Fakirjee Cowasjee
Rustomjee Variawa Dubash. Ardeshir, my distant kinsman, was known to us
as Adi Shavakshaw Cowasji Vasuwalla. Somewhere along the line he dropped
the Vasuwalla as it was consistently mis-spelt and mispronounced.
Surely I am on the death wish list of several groups of people such as
the rather nasty builders and developers and other ravagers of this city
of ours. There once was a gentleman known in the building fraternity as
‘Rahimbhai’, who, a decade or so ago, used to regularly inquire after
my health. One day I asked him why he was so concerned. His bland reply
was that he valued time and money, that he and his partners had bought a
plot of land in the vicinity of my house and were planning to build a
12- storey monstrosity. They were sure I would challenge them in court
and possibly get a ‘stay’ which would be enforced for ten years. One of
them had been told that my health was not exactly brilliant and that if
they were lucky I would peg out in a couple of years leaving the field
clear for them. Since then, they have realized that I have let them down
and have sold the plot and moved on. Today a hideous ground plus one
stands on poor old Rahimbhai’s treasure trove of a plot.
The first phone call on the 2nd came at 0655, from an old friend from
the ‘70s, Talat Tayyebji, who, in a tentative tone, on hearing my voice,
asked “Ardeshir, how are you? Are you well?” Yes, I told her, thank
you, chatted for a bit, wondered why she had called me at the crack of
dawn, and, mystified, rolled over and went back to sleep.
At 0750, my G-1 arrived as the phone rang for the second time. She
picked it up and Mushtaq Chaapra, again most tentatively, asked her how
she was. When he heard her tell him she was in fair nick, he was
surprised and even more surprised when she asked if he wished to speak
to me. No, no, all’s well, he said. From then on, the telephone rang at
regular intervals. All was explained when I was told about the obituary
notice before I had even opened up my daily ‘Dawn’.
The first call which I myself answered came from an agitated
vice-chancellor of the NED University, Abul Kalam. I admire Kalam’s
capacity to be at his desk each morning before 0829 hours. That morn, in
a funereal sounding voice, he politely asked who was speaking and in
even more funereal tones I replied that I was Ardeshir’s son Rustom who
had just flown in from the States. Kalam was taken in, expressed his
profound sorrow, and advised ‘Rustom’ that the university was in the
process of organizing a condolence meeting.
Before I left the house to attend Adi’s funeral the ring tone continued
on solidly and after some 20 calls, to many of which my response had
been that poor old Ardeshir had finally turned up his toes, my daughter
Ava rang : “Dada, will you please stop telling people you are dead. You
have caused enough confusion. Hameedi is in tears, and his sister
Suraiya Bajiya is on her way to your house.” She did arrive just as I
was leaving and was pleasantly surprised to see the body upright and
mobile.
Arriving at the funeral venue, two cars drew up with mine and I spotted
two friends dolefully stepping out. On seeing me they leapt back in and
drove away. A couple of other friends were already there and stayed on
throughout the proceedings. There was also a gathering of TV cameramen
who on seeing me arrive hale and hearty left, disappointed, no hot news!
The total tally of calls for that one day was 56, and from then on there
have been a couple of calls each day inquiring about my health, the
last call received was three days ago from a friend who had obviously
been asleep for a week. There were also half a dozen e-mail messages
expressing surprise that though they had been notified of my demise on
the Thursday, my column appeared last Sunday.
It’s rather amusing to ‘die’ and yet be alive.
|